So I was thinking...

and I came up with I'm just an all-around confusing person. When we filled out those sheets in class, I realized that I have different expectations than I lead people to believe. And why is that? I don't have the slightest idea. Honestly, I don't like doing things unless someone asks me to and if they don't ask me to join in then I get my feelings hurt. But then when they do ask me, I don't want to do it. I'm so stubborn and lazy that I don't like to do a lot of things with groups of people. Like bowling, I hate going with a bunch of people but yet I wanna be asked to go or I feel hurt. If I could just be normal, for like 2 seconds, it would be nice.



Another thing that I realized after filling out that sheet is that even though I feel like I am an open person and am good at communication, I'm not. If my boyfriend or my parents ask me why I'm mad, I'll say "nothing" and then get even more mad they didn't push me to tell them what was wrong. If someone interrupts me in a conversation then I just automatically shut down and stop saying what I was saying, even if the person apologizes and stops talking. I mean, why can't I just say what I think and act how I feel? Is it really that hard? I am a pretty honest person and I like to talk, so why is it so hard to express how I feel and do the things I mean to? This class is going to be interesting, I can tell you that for sure. I know that I will learn to communicate in a better manner than I do now... which will be helpful.



I hate having a lot of close friends.. I don't really like having one close friend. I consider my mom and dad to be my best friends, and then my boyfriend. But other than that I don't trust anyone. I have had a lot of let downs in the past 3 years. My best friend that I got really close with and spent most of my time with for an entire year totally turned her back on me to be with a guy. And while I can't say I blame her totally because I did the same thing, I knew where my boundaries were and I tried to stay within them. If I promised to do something with her and then my boyfriend called me and said he wanted to do something, I wouldn't blow her off. And yet, she missed that key element in a friendship and blew me off numerous times. We lost touch, even became a little bitter towards each other, and eventually we came to the point where he know we still love each other as friends, but we have never really said "I'm sorry" to each other. And while I think I have been pretty open with her about how I feel about how everything went down, I didn't openly communicate with her that I was sorry for being bitter for so many months. Communication: the key to relationships. And yet, I hate it so much sometimes. You end up saying things you would rather not say but they need to be said. It sucks.