A profound message

This morning I experience quite possibly the best communion service in all of my nineteen years. It wasn't just a service where you stood up and took a piece of bread and drank from a miniature cup filled with grape juice. It was more than that; way more than that.

Perry, the pastor at New Spring, conveyed a powerful message this morning. As I sat in my seat, cross legged and attentive, I listened intently to every word that Perry had to say. Luke 22:42 was the focus for his message and it was the perfect passage that I needed to hear. The verse described how Jesus communicated with God after He retreated from His last supper. "41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and knelt down, and prayed,
42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:41-42) Verse 42 describes the simple prayer that Jesus prayed to His father right before He was betrayed by Judas. Perry said that Jesus prayed "Father," without any added adjectives such as 'righteous', 'holy', 'Lord of all Lords' because Jesus knew God was right there with him. He didn't need to use any words that were unneeded... they would simply take away from the powerful prayer that was already being prayed. Jesus communicated with God in a different way than most would imagine He would. Being that God is Jesus' father, I would assumed Jesus would talk to him like we talk our fathers. "Dad, I need your help. You are such an intelligent being and I know that you know the best thing for me right now." But instead, Jesus simply said "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me:" Perry also pointed out that Jesus said "if thou be willing" not "if you can" because God is capable of doing anything He wants to. Jesus knew this and therefore prayed "if thou be willing" because He knew if God wanted it to be, it would happen. That's the problem I have when I communicate with God. I usually end up saying "Please do this for me God!" and instead I should be praying "If it is Your will". Where did I go wrong when I was learning this vital piece of information about talking to God?

I especially like the last part of verse 42 that says, "nevertheless, your will not mine, be done." This part of the prayer touched my heart immediately. Instantly, I could feel my heart beating so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. I couldn't contain the way that part of the verse touched me and suddenly my eyes started to swell with tears. There is something about how humans think God should do things that is so wrong. We always believe that God should do what we pray about, but in actually it shouldn't be what we want. Jesus understood that this was to be the case and He prayed to God so that God would know He understood that it wasn't what He wanted to be done, but what His Father wanted that was going to happen. I couldn't believe that for so long, as a believer, I had let myself believe that it was all about what I wanted and not what God wanted for me. It isn't that I'm stupid and don't understand God is the ultimate ruler, but there is something about when we pray we always think God should do what it is we are praying for. That is wrong; dead wrong.

The communion service was one of those services where you get in the car and you look back at what the preacher had to say and you say to yourself "wow". That is all I could think of when I left that church today... wow. For me, communion services were about repentance and forgiveness. A fresh start to a new life was what I always thought it was. And toady it was about that, but it was also about being uncomfortable. We have to learn to communicate with ourselves before we communicate with anyone else, even God. If we are lying to ourselves about our expectations and desires then we are only fooling ourselves, no one else. God knows when our heart is truly trying to do something that it says it will, or when we are praying a prayer so we don't feel "uncomfortable" around those around us. I couldn't let myself be sucked into Satan's grip and think that I wasn't being truthful with the prayer that I prayed. I was and I am willing to communicate with not only God but with my self as well. It was a powerful message that I will never ever forget.

All-American Girl

I was listening to a song today called "All-American Girl" by Carrie Underwood. (OK side thought: I was reading everyone elses blogs, and I feel inferior compared to them. Especially one in particular which was very profound and insightful... Jeez, I feel really juvenile compared to them.) Anyway, so as I listened to it I realized that it sounded like my life. It's about a father who wants a little boy but his wife has a little girl. He's disappointed because he can longer have the boy do the things he wanted him to do... i.e. sports. But then, the father became so attached to the little girl that she became wrapped around his finger, she was the center of his whole world. I know that my daddy already had my brother before I was born, but I can't help but wonder if he wanted another boy to do the same things my brother was doing... i.e. playing sports, fishing, hunting, etc. But then, I came along and even though he may not have particularly wanted a girl, he became wrapped around my finger. I am a daddy's girl and I love it. We are so close and I can call him anytime of the day and I just love to hear his voice. If I lost my daddy, I would be so afraid and shattered like a window falling to the ground from a 10 story building. Songs are what I relate to and I love this song...



Another random note, but it does kind of pertain to what I was talking about, is that my dad and I have great communication skills. When I was younger, he was always right and I was always wrong and that was that. We didn't argue and even though I tried to get my way, he never let me. But as I have gotten older, I have realized that our relationship and communication skills have changed. We are able to talk to each other and then make decisions. I guess that comes with growing up, but I feel like we just know what each other is thinking all the time. I know when he's upset and he automatically knows when I'm upset. We sit down and talk, or I do most of the talking actually, and then he gives me his honest advice and opinion. I value our relationship and I will gladly be a daddy's girl any day!

So I was thinking...

and I came up with I'm just an all-around confusing person. When we filled out those sheets in class, I realized that I have different expectations than I lead people to believe. And why is that? I don't have the slightest idea. Honestly, I don't like doing things unless someone asks me to and if they don't ask me to join in then I get my feelings hurt. But then when they do ask me, I don't want to do it. I'm so stubborn and lazy that I don't like to do a lot of things with groups of people. Like bowling, I hate going with a bunch of people but yet I wanna be asked to go or I feel hurt. If I could just be normal, for like 2 seconds, it would be nice.



Another thing that I realized after filling out that sheet is that even though I feel like I am an open person and am good at communication, I'm not. If my boyfriend or my parents ask me why I'm mad, I'll say "nothing" and then get even more mad they didn't push me to tell them what was wrong. If someone interrupts me in a conversation then I just automatically shut down and stop saying what I was saying, even if the person apologizes and stops talking. I mean, why can't I just say what I think and act how I feel? Is it really that hard? I am a pretty honest person and I like to talk, so why is it so hard to express how I feel and do the things I mean to? This class is going to be interesting, I can tell you that for sure. I know that I will learn to communicate in a better manner than I do now... which will be helpful.



I hate having a lot of close friends.. I don't really like having one close friend. I consider my mom and dad to be my best friends, and then my boyfriend. But other than that I don't trust anyone. I have had a lot of let downs in the past 3 years. My best friend that I got really close with and spent most of my time with for an entire year totally turned her back on me to be with a guy. And while I can't say I blame her totally because I did the same thing, I knew where my boundaries were and I tried to stay within them. If I promised to do something with her and then my boyfriend called me and said he wanted to do something, I wouldn't blow her off. And yet, she missed that key element in a friendship and blew me off numerous times. We lost touch, even became a little bitter towards each other, and eventually we came to the point where he know we still love each other as friends, but we have never really said "I'm sorry" to each other. And while I think I have been pretty open with her about how I feel about how everything went down, I didn't openly communicate with her that I was sorry for being bitter for so many months. Communication: the key to relationships. And yet, I hate it so much sometimes. You end up saying things you would rather not say but they need to be said. It sucks.

I am..

I am a critical person. For those people who know me, they know I notice everything. I notice the things that most people wouldn't usually catch, but that's just how I am. It started when I was in 4Th grade and I had a friend that chewed her food so loud! Ridiculously loud was what it was; I couldn't stand it! From then on, I have noticed every little thing that people do that annoys me. My boyfriend tells me I'm freakishly in tune to people's habits, and my mom tells me to stop being so critical. But I cannot help it, honestly. It happens so quickly that I don't have time to process in my mind that the things a person does is their own habit and I should leave it alone. Often times, I'll say something out loud and I don't necessarily mean to, and it ends up hurting the person's feeling.

Its the things like chewing too loud, breathing too loud, clicking a pen, humming constantly, and other little things I can't think of right now. They're ridiculous and I shouldn't let them bother me, but I can't help it. Most of the time I wish the constant noticing of things that I shouldn't really even be noticing is annoying to not only the person I am "criticizing" but it is annoying to me, as well. I hate that I'm so critical... I wish I wasn't.

So I am a critical person. I don't think I have ever admitted it out loud. I do apologize to people when I ask them to stop doing something because it bothers me, but I don't think I have ever said "I am a critical person". Maybe as I get older I'll grow out of this bothersome habit of my own. There are some people who probably are critical of me for being so critical, and I guess that's what I deserve.