COMMUNICATION... i can spell it out if I need to

It has been an entire month exactly since I last wrote a blog post. Forgive me? I was doing so well in the rest of the semester, but as the end crept nearer and nearer I felt myself slipping further and further behind. My research paper for English was a killer task that I didn't know I would struggle so much with. But, I have finished it and now I am leaving it in God's hands and trust that I get the grade that I feel I deserve.

That doesn't go for every class that I have taken this semester. Of course I have trusted God to give me the strength and knowledge to complete my classes with as much ability as I have, but that does not cover teacher's mistakes. Everyone is human, but what makes a person act "inhumane" is when they act as if they do not care about other people's lives. Communication has been the focus for this class the entire year, and of course it should be because it is so titled "Interpersonal Communication" so that would be only fitting. But I think what makes me upset about the fact that one of my teachers seemed to lack the communication gene is that I tried to communicate. I tried to openly tell my teacher that I was struggling and they did not seem to care very much. Sylabi are great and I think they serve a great purpose, but you cannot abuse the sylabus and make it be whatever you want it to be. First of all, not posting it on MyCampus is a little bit rediculous since we, as students, are told to rely on MyCampus for class information. Secondly, I do not feel that you can interupret the information given on the sylabi the way YOU want it to be conveyed. Write out what you mean, don't put it in mixed messages because students do not know you that well. I can't read minds, if I could I probably wouldn't be at college right now. And thirdly, I do not believe that it is a teacher's right to find information online and only use that information instead of giving their students the right to look at the information themselves instead of relying on getting all of the information given in a class period written down BY HAND. In this particular professor's class you were not allowed to bring a computer to class unless directed by Carol Sinnamon saying that you had a preexisting condition that allowed you the use of the electronic devise to take notes. For some instances I find accomodations to be vidal for thier success, but I do not think that a teacher who does provide a copy of their notes for students to see should be a situation where computers are outlawed.

COmmunication was completly lost in the class and therefore I am upset with the grade I received. Tell me if I am wrong for believing these things, but in my heart of hearts I feel that I deserved a better grade than what I received. My grade point average should not suffer because one teacher lacked the key element that is required to run a smooth classroom operation: communication!

I think I am delusional, forgive me!

For the past two class periods we have been viewing people's movie projects. The choices in movies have been really interesting! Some of the movies that people chose to point out interpersonal communication skills surprised me because I just never thought of those particular movies as being a great/bad example of interpersonal communication!

I guess that's what it is so funny about these movie projects. What struck me as funny was the fact that the movies that I have seen a million times have suddenly taken on a new meaning in my mind. For instance, the movie "Hitch" that Elizabeth reported on is a great example of how I have watched it a million times on t.v. and yet I have never noticed the things that Elizabeth pointed out. This class seemed kind of silly to me when I first started taking it because I thought that all of the things that we initially started talking about were common sense. All of our lives we have been taught to express our feelings and to communicate with one another in order to create a healthy relationship. But as the class has progressed I have learned many different things that I wouldn't have learned on my own without the class. It was really neat to see the different movies and how people found interpersonal communication skills in the different movie selections.

Seriously, I am not going to lie... I am super glad that I did not have to give my report on either of the past two class periods. I have had my movie project done since Easter break but for some reason I just have not wanted to get up in front of the class and present anything. Two Fridays ago I had to give a report on my short talk and that was enough for me. I am not a shy person but there is something about getting up in front of peers and talking about something that is going to give me a grade is really scary. Some people, like Whitney, are really good at public speaking but I just don't think I am. Maybe my speech class will help me overcome my public speaking fears.


I am super tired and I just want to go to sleep. Presenting on Tuesday is going to be fun... fun times. Night!

The Internet.. is it really about reputation?

Honestly, is the internet all about protecting someone's reputation or is about getting attention? I have been the victim of being repremanded by a higher authority because of something I said on Facebook. Come on, seriously. Is it really that big of a deal what someone says or posts on an internet website? Of course it is serious if a person is talking about committing suicide or something to that nature, but it is not a big deal in my eyes if I say the F word on an online blog. I know that some people would argue that you if you want something to stay private, then you shouldnt' post it on it online. But, there are some people who find the internet to be THEIR personal space. For instance, when our parents or even grandparents were growing up, it was standard for a person to have a diary. In today's society, the diary has been replaced with online blogging sites! Therefore, for the generation now it is acceptable for a person to use online blogging sites as a resource to tell about personal events. I just don't see how someone has the right to go on someone's blog and repremand them for something they said ONLINE! The word that I used was the wrong choice of word, and I know that, but I was having an extremly bad day and writing it all out on Facebook didn't seem like a big deal. Yea, there were people that I wanted to read it. In fact, I wrote the post for the purpose of certain people reading it. No, I didn't use the word that I used to attract anyone to my post, but at that point it did seem to convey exactly how I was feeling. I guess the reason that it upsets me so much that I slapped on the wrist for writing the F word on an online blogging site is because it was MINE. It was my site to write whatever I wanted to and someone had to to go out and look for what I wrote. It wasn't like I posted on my status thing that I just wrote a post and I wanted everyone to read it. But someone took the liberty to read it and send it to the higher authority that repremanded me.

Online blogging sites aer someone that some people consider private. Granted, they aren't private, but for some people who know about nothing but online blogging sites to help express their feelings, it is unconceivable that someone would get in trouble for what they write on a blog. If I wrote someone about killing someone, or even myself, or anything to that nature it would bea little more understandable. I dont know, I just can't keep going on about this because I 'll just keep repeating myself. My point is, I am an adult. I live away from parents and I am of legal age to do most things. Therefore, in order for me to be considered and treated as adult, as the real world does, I expect to get the same treatment when I am at a college or anywhere else for that matter. Yes, I am on a Christian campus and yes, I agree with many of the rules we have to live by. But, I do not agree with the school monitoring what I do or say on my Facebook or what I do in my life off of campus. It isn't like I am a stripper or a hooker or a drug dealer, I just said one word that I shouldn't have and now I have to live with the fact there was a teacher on this campus who read my post and sent it to a higher person. Now, 2 people on this campus know that I said a "dirty" word, and they didn't even hear it come directly from MY mouth. I typed it on a post on Facebook.... technically, it could have been ANYONE! Oh well, it is in the past and I just think that some people should realize that online sites are not always meant for everyone to see, yet I know that is how some people view the subject.





P.S. I am reporting on the movie "Mean Girls" for my movie project! Thanks!

Oh the things you learn!

Friday's class was rather intriguing, to say the least. I mean, I have heard so many of the things we talked about before but I guess I just never really took a closer look into the different styles of listening. What it really made me think about was how I listen to God. Do I pretend to listen and nod my head in affirmation without actually taking into account what God is telling me? Or do I listen defensively and defend all of my wrongful doings that God points out to me. I guess that is just something that most people don't want to think about. There comes a time in a person's life when it is time to reevaluate whether or not you are a good listener. And I guess you could say that the time came for me after Friday's class.
I guess I really realized that I don't listen to God like I should. Part of that is due to the simple fact that I am ashamed of things that I do and that God convicts me of. No one ever wants to admit when they are doing wrong, nor do they want someone to point out to them that they are doing wrong. God is an amazing God and I just wish that I would be more open to hearing what He has to say to me instead of being so closed-minded.
Anyway, I found Friday's class more enjoyable than most classes for some reason. Usually, I feel alone in that class. There are always people that are buddied up and I always feel left out. But, on Friday I didn't feel so secluded. Tina was really nice and she talked to me, but I guess that could be due to the fact that her normal desk partner wasn't there. Ha-ha No I think she was just genuinely being nice. Our communication was great and we ended up giving a stellar performance... just kidding!


Quick side note before I close:
I went to the Sterling House Elderly Home today with S.W.A.T and it was amazingly fun! At first I was nervous but then I realized that there was nothing to be afraid of. The people that were there were happy to have people to talk to and it made me feel good when one of the ladies asked if she was going to hear from me again. Now, I know that she most likely won't remember that tomorrow because she could barely remember what we were talking about during our conversation. But, non-the-less, it made me feel good. Visiting with elderly people really opened my eyes to a whole new type of communication. The older people didn't want to hear me talk, they wanted to talk about their past and their lives when they were growing up. It astounded me how some of the older women would just flat cut me off so they could talk about their lives. And granted, it didn't upset me, it just seemed a little weird. I guess what I learned most of all by being there was that every age group has a different style of communication.
For younger children, you have to talk to them and command their attention. You have to also talk to them in a sweet tone and almost like you're talking to a person who can't understand what you're saying.
For adults, you have to talk as if they have known you forever and you must verbally communicate what you want and how you want it.
For elderly people, the communication reverts back to childish communication. It also becomes for a listening game instead of interaction. All they want to do is talk and they want you to listen.

Interesting for me to learn, and I am glad that I learned what I did.

So I am done for the day. Happy St. Patty's Day!

Too Close for Comfort

How weird was that little experiment we did in class? I mean I am friends with Whitney and we have talked many many times before, but that little experiment probably was awkward for both of us. After inching closer and closer we finally stopped, and when I looked where we were standing it was quiet funny. We were still a good 12 inches apart, and I just think it would have been weird to be any closer.

So I was thinking about the class the other day and I wanted to write about it, but I forgot. Smart move, huh? Anyway, I think I was thinking about how we discussed the different cultures and what was acceptable compared to American culture. Honestly, the Hispanics that worked at the restaurant that I worked at this summer were completely out of line with the their actions. When I later learned that their forwardness was a sign of flattery, I still didn't think their actions were acceptable. For people who come from different cultures and countries and live in the United States, to me it only seems fair that they comply with our customs and rules. Because if I went to Mexico and I didn't think it was "flattery" when a guy yelled at me as I walked by, they would think that I was being rude. But that is just my culture and that is how I was raised. I would have to comply with their customs and at least acknowledge their comments so as to not seem "rude". I just feel that the foreigners who come to this country should learn how to live by OUR customs and not continue living "out of the realm" of society.

Sometimes, I think that this class is somewhat of a waste of time. Not because I don't enjoy it but because it often reiterates what I already know. But when I really sit back and think about our discussions, I realize how much more beneficial the class really is to my life. Therefore, once I take a good luck at our conversations I no longer find the class as a "waste of time" and that makes me feel more accomplished in my daily activities. Keep on rocking with the class discussions. It is nice, for once, to not have to be so confined to one thought and be able to express your own feelings and ideas about a particular subject! :)

Non-Verbal Communication...is there any other type?

As I sat in class on Tuesday I realized that everyone communicates non-verbally. And then I realized that people communicate MORE with non-verbal actions rather than with words. Why is that? I asked myself that question many times in class and I came up with one answer... we, as human beings, are simply more comfortable with not "saying" how we feel as opposed to "showing" how we feel.

The other day, my roommate and I got into a little bit of a disagreement. She said something hurt my feelings and instead of saying something to her, I just pouted for the rest of the night. Eventually, she asked if I was upset with her and like a stupid person I said no. In actuality I was very upset with her for what she said. Why is it that I was okay with showing her that I was upset, but I wasn't okay with telling her I was upset with her? I just don't understand why it is easier to communicate non-verbally. After all, I love talking and you would think that it would be easier to say, "hey I'm mad at you." But it is definitely not easier.

We didn't really discuss how we communicate non-verbally when we're upset... we instead talked about how we communicate non-verbally when we like someone. I think that the communication that is non-verbal between two people who have feelings for each other stems from childhood. When we were little kids we didn't go up to a boy or girl and say "Hey I like You!" Instead, the boys would chase or tease the girl they liked or the girl would hide from the boy they liked. It was in the way we showed the person of interest that we were infatuated with them. I don't know why, as humans with exceptional intelligence compared to animals, we cannot just tell someone how we feel. Guilty as charged, I will admit. But, that doesn't make it right. Professors and psychologists try to justify why people use non-verbal communication but why?

If everyone would just say how they felt instead of trying to show people through subtle actions, then maybe our world wouldn't be so easily deceived. I am weird, I guess, for thinking this way. I know there are some people who think that non-verbal communication actually shows more than verbal communication. But, I disagree completely.

It Is All In The Reaction

I just realized that I didn't write for Friday's class... oops

Okay anyway, Tuesday's class was one of the best classes that I have been to in a long time. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being so supportive in my situation and for giving me some good feedback. One thing I realized after the class was that I am so thankful to be apart of a Christian college. There are not many schools that would pray for someone's needs, even if they didn't know them, like we did at the end of class Tuesday. Honestly, it touched me so much to have the love and support from my classmates and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly show you how much your support means to me.

When we started talking about working on communication with people, I realized that it is a lot harder than it sounds. Communication is not an easy thing to do, but we need to learn how to effectively communicate in order to live a successful life with successful relationships. When we discussed respecting what others say about feelings and thoughts, I was very intrigued. Often times when people try to help others, the conversation always becomes one sided and the focus is shifted on the person trying to help and their views. I especially agreed with not speaking for others. You cannot tell someone what they think or how they feel, or how they should think or feel. It is all up to the person who is having the problems to say how they feel. When I have had people try to help me with certain problems, they have tried to tell me how to feel about it. And that just bothers me because that is not what respecting other's feelings and thoughts is all about. Respect is a fully loaded word that is not used in the right context all of the time. Many of my friends are bad at not repsecting what I say because they do not agree with me. Well, then don't be my friend if you can't respect what I say. That's how I feel about it.

Another thing that we discussed that was interesting was the fact that we should take responsibility for our actions and responses. When everyone in the class said that you can't help how someone makes you feel, I agreed with them. The only reason I really agree with them is because it is hard to control how others make you feel. But, on the other hand I disagree because when I was in high school all of the guys liked to pick on me. They weren't mean to me, they just said things that they would know would upset me. It was more of the reaction that I gave them that would cause them to pick on me. Therefore, I could control how I reacted because if I would have just let their comments slide off my shoulders then the guys wouldn't have picked on me as much, I don't think. Honestly, in my opinion, it is all about how you react to something that determines if the instances reoccur or not!

Tuesday's class was insightful. The movie we watched showed a lot of different types of things that I always noticed but never really knew if there were specific reasons for them. Such as, the time issue. I have always noticed that everyone operates on different clocks, but I just thought that was how people were. Never had I linked it to be a cultural thing... but it is. I guess my culture operated on the same clock as the girl who said that if an invitation said to be at the party at 6 you really are supposed to show up at like 7:30 or 8. I always thought this was the case because people wanted to be "fashionably late." I guess I was wrong because I learned that it is a culture thing. Weird.
The rest of the movie was interesting, but like Ashley said I wish that they would have focused more on the subjects. They just kind of zipped through them and really didn't elaborate on their thoughts. One part that I disagreed with was when they were talking to the professor and the students said they would believe what he said because he was the teacher. FIrst of all, we should all have our own minds and just because someone has a P.H.D. doesn't mean they know everything. There are some things that even doctors don't know and it isn't smart to follow what the professor says just because he is the professor. I wish that people would have their own minds and think for themselves. But I understand to a point what they were saying, but there is just part of me that says that they were wrong. Oh well, I will do whatever I think is best for me.
This is a short entry but I think that I have covered everything I wanted to. It's Valentine's Day and I am so excited! : )

You cannot change someone... no matter how hard you try

It's Sunday afternoon and I always end up remembering I have to write on this blog for some reason at about this same time. I missed class on Friday, which is disappointing but I guess that what comes with doing too many things at one time.

The class on Tuesday was one of the more interesting classes that I think we've had. Relationships with boys and girls can be difficult to handle sometimes, especially when one of the persons in the relationship treats the other one in a bad manner. With the case study about Amy, Dan, and Haley was very interesting and it is so true for many of the relationships that I see around me daily. Dan is critical of Haley and Amy doesn't know what to do to tell Haley that she is being treated unfairly. There is a girl I know that was dating a guy who treated her not so nicely. I never saw him hit her, or yell at her, but the things he didn't do did just as much as damage as what he "could" have done.

For instance, they had been dating for almost a year and I swear that he only came over to her apartment when he wanted "fool" around or do whatever it is they were doing in her room (I didn't care too much to listen in on what was happening). For months my friend and I tried to talk to her about how her boyfriend treated her, but we always ended up on a dead end road leading to no where with her. She was blind; she thought her relationship was perfect and that there was nothing wrong. HOnestly, when a guy decides he would rather play video games than spend time with you after not seeing you for a few days in a row, there is somethign wrong. Or when he doesn't want to talk to you when he is around his friends, there is something wrong. He wasn't critical of her but he always had a way of making her feel like he was always right, and she always believed him. Trust me, my friend and I tried to tell her to open her eyes and realize he didn't treat her the way he should but she didn't listen. You know what happened? He ended up breaking up with her and now she is devastated. Lost and confused, she just mopes around and seems depressed. Come on, honestly, he didn't treat her that well to begin with so why would she miss him? Because, when you're in a relationship that isn't "right" in the eyes of others around you it is hard to understand and comprehend that there is something wrong.

In our class discussion we talked about ways we could talk to Haley about how Dan was treating her. But, it doesn't matter what you say or do to the friend that needs help, it is going to take them opening their own eyes. As outsiders, we cannot change anyone or make anyone "wake up" and realize that there is something wrong with their personal relationship. No matter how hard we try, there is juts nothing we can say that is going to make them realize how badly they are being treated. Even people who are abused don't realize they are in a horrible situation until they are out of it for a while. Believe me, I tried to help my friend but until she is completly away from the situtaion, she will not see that she was treated unfairly and she will continue to long for him to come back to her.

We Are "Supposed to Be"...

I totally forgot to write about the class from last Tuesday, which is very strange because I found that class to be one of the most interesting classes since we started. One thing that struck me as very interesting is that there are expectations for every race, gender, and social class.

Okay, I must admit I knew this already... but it was kind of one of those things you "knew" but you didn't have any concrete evidence that people really felt that. Take race and culture for example. In the "bible belt", as so many people love to call the South, it is not exactly "accepted" to marry a person of another race. Now, I don't know where in the bible it says that this is wrong, I just know that from the time I was old enough to understand the concept of race, it was made clear that different races didn't marry. I was talking to my roommate the other night, who is dating a guy of another race, and I asked her if her parents accepted their relationship. Even if we were still high school and the thought of marriage wasn't so prevelant, the fact that my parents accepted the guy I was dating a huge thing for me. She said that her parents loved her boyfriend and that race, where she is from, is not a big deal like it is here. And to be honest, I don't think the fact that some people in the south would rather not have their child be in an interracial relationship has nothing to do with descrimination and racism. Honestly, in my opinion it is about the fact that people in the south have most likely been raised in the south. Therefore, their culture has made it clear that interracial marriages and relationships are unacceptable... not morally, but just socially.

My aunt was talking to me about interracial relationships the other day as well. She said that the reason she doesn't agree with the mixing of the races in relationships, romantic relationships, is because as a teacher she is exposed to the negativity the mixed children can get from other students. I wasn't quite sure I understood what she meant so she explained and then I completly understood. In the south, because that is the only place I have witnessed interracial dating, sometimes when there is a mixed girl she is confused on which race she wants to date. Often times, one racial group or even both will shun the mixed child because they are not truly the full race they are. And it is really sad that there are some people who are really that shallow and only look at race, but there are some people who do. When it comes to raising a child in a society such as the south, being a mixed child can be difficult. I have never seen anything different about the children I went to school with that were mixed. I always thought this one girl named Dina was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. She was mixed with caucasion and African-American. I loved her skin tone, her hair, and especially her eyes. Everything looked it was the color of cocoa and I loved it! So for me, the interracial thing is not a problem in my eyes, but I find it strange that there are some people within different cultures who view the mixing of races as wrong.

One more thought before I stop. It bothers me that there are Christians in this world who truly believe that being married to a person of another race is morally wrong. I haven't heard or read anything in the Bible that says it is wrong to date a person of another color. Those "Christians" are giving other Christians bad names because it makes the rest of the religion seem as if they are racists. I don't doubt that the Christians who believe that it is wrong to interracially date aren't Christians, I just believe that they should do some more reading in the Bible and find out the real truth. I think I'm going to go... other homework to do! I hope this next class is just as interesting as last Tuesday!

A profound message

This morning I experience quite possibly the best communion service in all of my nineteen years. It wasn't just a service where you stood up and took a piece of bread and drank from a miniature cup filled with grape juice. It was more than that; way more than that.

Perry, the pastor at New Spring, conveyed a powerful message this morning. As I sat in my seat, cross legged and attentive, I listened intently to every word that Perry had to say. Luke 22:42 was the focus for his message and it was the perfect passage that I needed to hear. The verse described how Jesus communicated with God after He retreated from His last supper. "41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and knelt down, and prayed,
42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:41-42) Verse 42 describes the simple prayer that Jesus prayed to His father right before He was betrayed by Judas. Perry said that Jesus prayed "Father," without any added adjectives such as 'righteous', 'holy', 'Lord of all Lords' because Jesus knew God was right there with him. He didn't need to use any words that were unneeded... they would simply take away from the powerful prayer that was already being prayed. Jesus communicated with God in a different way than most would imagine He would. Being that God is Jesus' father, I would assumed Jesus would talk to him like we talk our fathers. "Dad, I need your help. You are such an intelligent being and I know that you know the best thing for me right now." But instead, Jesus simply said "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me:" Perry also pointed out that Jesus said "if thou be willing" not "if you can" because God is capable of doing anything He wants to. Jesus knew this and therefore prayed "if thou be willing" because He knew if God wanted it to be, it would happen. That's the problem I have when I communicate with God. I usually end up saying "Please do this for me God!" and instead I should be praying "If it is Your will". Where did I go wrong when I was learning this vital piece of information about talking to God?

I especially like the last part of verse 42 that says, "nevertheless, your will not mine, be done." This part of the prayer touched my heart immediately. Instantly, I could feel my heart beating so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. I couldn't contain the way that part of the verse touched me and suddenly my eyes started to swell with tears. There is something about how humans think God should do things that is so wrong. We always believe that God should do what we pray about, but in actually it shouldn't be what we want. Jesus understood that this was to be the case and He prayed to God so that God would know He understood that it wasn't what He wanted to be done, but what His Father wanted that was going to happen. I couldn't believe that for so long, as a believer, I had let myself believe that it was all about what I wanted and not what God wanted for me. It isn't that I'm stupid and don't understand God is the ultimate ruler, but there is something about when we pray we always think God should do what it is we are praying for. That is wrong; dead wrong.

The communion service was one of those services where you get in the car and you look back at what the preacher had to say and you say to yourself "wow". That is all I could think of when I left that church today... wow. For me, communion services were about repentance and forgiveness. A fresh start to a new life was what I always thought it was. And toady it was about that, but it was also about being uncomfortable. We have to learn to communicate with ourselves before we communicate with anyone else, even God. If we are lying to ourselves about our expectations and desires then we are only fooling ourselves, no one else. God knows when our heart is truly trying to do something that it says it will, or when we are praying a prayer so we don't feel "uncomfortable" around those around us. I couldn't let myself be sucked into Satan's grip and think that I wasn't being truthful with the prayer that I prayed. I was and I am willing to communicate with not only God but with my self as well. It was a powerful message that I will never ever forget.

All-American Girl

I was listening to a song today called "All-American Girl" by Carrie Underwood. (OK side thought: I was reading everyone elses blogs, and I feel inferior compared to them. Especially one in particular which was very profound and insightful... Jeez, I feel really juvenile compared to them.) Anyway, so as I listened to it I realized that it sounded like my life. It's about a father who wants a little boy but his wife has a little girl. He's disappointed because he can longer have the boy do the things he wanted him to do... i.e. sports. But then, the father became so attached to the little girl that she became wrapped around his finger, she was the center of his whole world. I know that my daddy already had my brother before I was born, but I can't help but wonder if he wanted another boy to do the same things my brother was doing... i.e. playing sports, fishing, hunting, etc. But then, I came along and even though he may not have particularly wanted a girl, he became wrapped around my finger. I am a daddy's girl and I love it. We are so close and I can call him anytime of the day and I just love to hear his voice. If I lost my daddy, I would be so afraid and shattered like a window falling to the ground from a 10 story building. Songs are what I relate to and I love this song...



Another random note, but it does kind of pertain to what I was talking about, is that my dad and I have great communication skills. When I was younger, he was always right and I was always wrong and that was that. We didn't argue and even though I tried to get my way, he never let me. But as I have gotten older, I have realized that our relationship and communication skills have changed. We are able to talk to each other and then make decisions. I guess that comes with growing up, but I feel like we just know what each other is thinking all the time. I know when he's upset and he automatically knows when I'm upset. We sit down and talk, or I do most of the talking actually, and then he gives me his honest advice and opinion. I value our relationship and I will gladly be a daddy's girl any day!

So I was thinking...

and I came up with I'm just an all-around confusing person. When we filled out those sheets in class, I realized that I have different expectations than I lead people to believe. And why is that? I don't have the slightest idea. Honestly, I don't like doing things unless someone asks me to and if they don't ask me to join in then I get my feelings hurt. But then when they do ask me, I don't want to do it. I'm so stubborn and lazy that I don't like to do a lot of things with groups of people. Like bowling, I hate going with a bunch of people but yet I wanna be asked to go or I feel hurt. If I could just be normal, for like 2 seconds, it would be nice.



Another thing that I realized after filling out that sheet is that even though I feel like I am an open person and am good at communication, I'm not. If my boyfriend or my parents ask me why I'm mad, I'll say "nothing" and then get even more mad they didn't push me to tell them what was wrong. If someone interrupts me in a conversation then I just automatically shut down and stop saying what I was saying, even if the person apologizes and stops talking. I mean, why can't I just say what I think and act how I feel? Is it really that hard? I am a pretty honest person and I like to talk, so why is it so hard to express how I feel and do the things I mean to? This class is going to be interesting, I can tell you that for sure. I know that I will learn to communicate in a better manner than I do now... which will be helpful.



I hate having a lot of close friends.. I don't really like having one close friend. I consider my mom and dad to be my best friends, and then my boyfriend. But other than that I don't trust anyone. I have had a lot of let downs in the past 3 years. My best friend that I got really close with and spent most of my time with for an entire year totally turned her back on me to be with a guy. And while I can't say I blame her totally because I did the same thing, I knew where my boundaries were and I tried to stay within them. If I promised to do something with her and then my boyfriend called me and said he wanted to do something, I wouldn't blow her off. And yet, she missed that key element in a friendship and blew me off numerous times. We lost touch, even became a little bitter towards each other, and eventually we came to the point where he know we still love each other as friends, but we have never really said "I'm sorry" to each other. And while I think I have been pretty open with her about how I feel about how everything went down, I didn't openly communicate with her that I was sorry for being bitter for so many months. Communication: the key to relationships. And yet, I hate it so much sometimes. You end up saying things you would rather not say but they need to be said. It sucks.

I am..

I am a critical person. For those people who know me, they know I notice everything. I notice the things that most people wouldn't usually catch, but that's just how I am. It started when I was in 4Th grade and I had a friend that chewed her food so loud! Ridiculously loud was what it was; I couldn't stand it! From then on, I have noticed every little thing that people do that annoys me. My boyfriend tells me I'm freakishly in tune to people's habits, and my mom tells me to stop being so critical. But I cannot help it, honestly. It happens so quickly that I don't have time to process in my mind that the things a person does is their own habit and I should leave it alone. Often times, I'll say something out loud and I don't necessarily mean to, and it ends up hurting the person's feeling.

Its the things like chewing too loud, breathing too loud, clicking a pen, humming constantly, and other little things I can't think of right now. They're ridiculous and I shouldn't let them bother me, but I can't help it. Most of the time I wish the constant noticing of things that I shouldn't really even be noticing is annoying to not only the person I am "criticizing" but it is annoying to me, as well. I hate that I'm so critical... I wish I wasn't.

So I am a critical person. I don't think I have ever admitted it out loud. I do apologize to people when I ask them to stop doing something because it bothers me, but I don't think I have ever said "I am a critical person". Maybe as I get older I'll grow out of this bothersome habit of my own. There are some people who probably are critical of me for being so critical, and I guess that's what I deserve.